Sleep And Touch

The thought of sleep seems to be taking over my life these days.  When I am driving in the car I fantasize about a world where I would be able to get a hotel room and leave my kids at home and just sleep. Just sleep for hours and hours and then maybe get up and eat something and then just go back to sleep and then take a hot bath, and then sleep some more.  But who am I kidding, even if that happened in some alternate universe, I would be up thinking about my kids the whole time and how much I miss them. Crazy right? 

My little Nolan is making sure that I don't get any more than a few hours of sleep at a time and although every mother in the world goes through sleep deprivation at some point or another, I can't help but feel trapped by the whole no-sleep conundrum.  Even as I write this I am yawning and rubbing my eyes, but I don't want to go to bed because I know I am just going to get woken up as soon as I start to get into a deep sleep. I dread night time with a passion. The thought of sleeping actually depresses me. It's like someone keeps shoving a glass of water in front of me and I am really thirsty but I am only allowed one small sip at a time, and so I just get more and more thirsty. It's like that with the sleep. The more I get just a little bit of it, the more I want, but I can't have it. Know what I mean?  Some days my body literally feels like it can't function if I have to go one more night without a good stretch of sleep. How many times have I typed the word sleep already? That's how much it is on my mind.  I know this sounds a bit dramatic and all. I know that there are people out there who would kill to have a baby to get up with at night, but I just had to whine for a bit. 

Touch. I never realized how much it would be a blessing and a curse as a mother. I am constantly longing to hug, kiss, cuddle with my babies....I can never seem to get enough. On the other hand I am constantly longing for my own personal space.... dreaming of the day when I don't have any spit up on my neck or a wrap tied to my torso or a twenty six pound toddler attached to my hip or a baby stuck on my breast. Sometimes by the end of the day my skin feels like it will literally crawl if my children maul me for one more second. Then they are sleeping and I feel naked without them and yearn for their soft hands. 

Am I the only one that has these kinds of thoughts? Probably not. 

Oh my sweet precious baby boy, why won't you just let me sleep? Why won't you let someone else hold you without screaming?  You're lucky you are so cute!

The thought of having two little beings dependant on me ALL THE TIME can be exhausting, but it can feel so natural at the same time. From the moment you pee on a stick and see two faint lines your body will never fully be yours again.  Or at least not any time soon. 

But it's worth it. Somehow it's all worth it. Giving up basic necessities like sleep can feel like torture at times, but all it takes is a smile and then suddenly it all seems worth it. 

Can you tell I'm tired? This post just seems to keep rambling on about nothing now. Guess it's time to go upstairs and lay my head down on my pillow. Don't worry Nolan....I won't get too comfortable.